Feb 062010
Science reports to us that we all produce, on average, about 1.5 liters of gas per day. Again, on average, these products of digestion leave the body in 14 discrete events per day. If we never had to leave our homes, we could simply expel this gas without worry.
However, we are social creatures who interact with others. So, if you are not one who is proud of your gastrointestinal creations, what will you do when that pressure builds in your belly while away from your house?
Here are a dozen situations to avoid when passing gas in public.
- Do not attempt to pass gas during silent prayer in church. Wait until singing.
- Do not bend over to pick up something if you are feeling inflated to over 15 psi.
- Do not walk into your boss’ office after dropping an air biscuit without first walking 30 paces. Avoid rubberbanding.
- Do not crop dust fart without walking at a pace of at least 2 mph.
- Do not attempt a silent release in the library while sitting on a hardwood chair. Snare drumming is highly probable.
- Do not lean over more than 5 degrees while sitting to slide one out. Everyone will know you are befouling the area.
- Do not look to either side and then squint while out-gassing. You will be tagged as the the one who funked up the place.
- Do not cough if you have been experiencing discomfort below the navel for more than 3 minutes. Chances are a loud fart will follow.
- Do not drop a silent but deadly on your wife while shopping and then hang around. She will let everyone know it was you.
- Do not release the brown mosquito while walking in the mall if people are within 2 paces behind you.
- Do not cloud up the elevator unless you are at the door and it is within 2 seconds of opening.
- Do not attempt to squeeze one out if you have had diarrhea within the last 8 hours. You will shart your shorts.
More in the Dozen Do-Nots Series:
Tags: air biscuit, brown mosquito, crop dust, Dozen Do-nots, fart, ninja, poot, silent but deadly
That’s a real service your providing there
Glad I can help! This could save someone a great deal of humiliation.